security guard

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Things security officers may think of asking, but shouldn’t:


Do you have any sandwiches in your pocket?
This can be construed as inflammatory and invasive, and it is baffling to the hearer.  It is easy to ask this question on your 13th hour on your feet, but you must refrain.

Are you carrying any weapons of mass destruction?
Again, this is a baffling question, and after many hours is tempting to ask as a shortcut. Refrain.
Weapons of mass destruction are much larger than the average pocket.  And mothers typically point to their children, and say, “Yeah, right there.”

Would you like to dump your $6 cup of joe in the trash right here or walk a mile back to your car to put it there?This is construed as an unfriendly, snotty question, and could result in you wearing said expensive joe, or at the very least, having a very unhappy person in your face.  With spittle.

Legitimate questions prompt interesting responses, as well:

Any knives, guns, or weapons of any sort on your person?
Various answers include:

  • “What kind of person do you think I am!?”
  • “Of course not! Look at me!”
  • “No!  I have children!”
  • “No! I’m a woman!”
  • “No! I’m a mom!”
  • “I left them at home today.”
  • “Yeah, I got your gun right here.”
  • “I got these guns–”  kisses each bicep and flexes.
  • “Dang, honey,–” to husband –“better hand over your grenade.”