memoir, The Blog of Missing

Doing the best we can against the Jabberwocky

This magnet is on my fridge:

It has a hilarious, sad weight to it that reminds me of Nicholson’s line, “What if this is as good as it gets?” Its fatalism reminds me of a bottomless well where you can never hear a dropped rock splash.

That well has been home for a while; I’ve been straining to hear for years now.

I noticed a couple weeks ago that I related a story about Jake like nothing was wrong, and for a minute, the world seemed a bit bent, like a funhouse mirror that I’d stepped into. The disorientation passed; I’m living a new normal with one phantom son. It’s a one-person Wonderland, a mansion of many rooms. I know. I’m not alone in this place, but that doesn’t matter. It’s still a solitary confinement.

But this, yes, this is as good as it gets. For now, and perhaps always. This is as good as it gets, and I’m doing the best that I can just like everyone else, and some days it’s terrifying. The world should be a better place but it does no good to rail at it. Nothing changes unless we do, unless we identify something we love and make more of it, whether it’s a physical item or an environment we want to live in.

Lavigne’s song for Alice in Wonderland is both whiny and defiant. She’s giving the finger to all who tell her not to cry. I mean, look at the still of the video below. Doesn’t it look like she’s about to give us the bird?
I’m not going to cry, dammit, even though I’m in this weird hellhole in the middle of the earth.

I found myself in Wonderland
Get back on my feet, on the ground
Is this real?
Is this pretend?
I’ll take a stand until the end

…I’ll get by
…I’ll survive
When the world’s crashing down
When I fall and hit the ground
I will turn myself around
Don’t you try to stop me
… I won’t cry

source: https://www.lyricsondemand.com/soundtracks/a/almostalicelyrics/aliceundergroundlyrics.html

What sticks with me from the film is Alice’s battle at the end and the things she says that give her strength to beat the Jabberwocky are six impossible things that she has come to believe.

I’m gathering mine. What are yours?
I hope you’ll share in the comments.

2 thoughts on “Doing the best we can against the Jabberwocky

  1. Hi Stacy,
    Can’t even imagine how you face each day without knowing where Jake is. I lost Matt for three weeks and I just wanted to walk around screaming and don’t know if I could have survived if we hadn’t found him when we did.
    Have sort of lost him in some ways now as his wife doesn’t like us and never will so we seldom see him. They having a baby boy due on Feb 28 and I doubt we will ever see him.

    But Ty is a great blessing to us as he is not only thriving but is excelling in his new job. He has your brains and amazes us often. He and Bob have really gotten close . His anniversary is on Valentines Day in case you didn’t know and they are still love birds after 5 years. We are proud of him and thank you for allowing us to be his parents 37 years ago. I think he keeps in touch with you so you may have heard about his new job. His bosses love him and he has already made some great saves for them finding mistakes made by the previous person in his jobs that will save them a lot by fixing it before the work had to be undone.

    Anyway, thanks for including me on your “blog”. I know you must be suffering with no news about Jake and am so sorry! Please continue to send your info to me…

    1. Hi, Jeannie-
      It’s lovely to hear from you. Your words blessed me.
      I feel for your grandmother empties. I’m very sorry that connecting with your Matt is difficult right now, and I hope it will pass.
      Ty loves you and Bob, and I continue to be thankful for your constant love for him.
      Thank you for reaching out to me, and thank you for your continued prayers. I’m proud to have all of you in my life.

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