Life goes on. Life-altering events are mulched over and the diamond bits are buried. The pain doesn’t go away, it’s just part of the soil. … Read More January 2021 – 1705 days.
One benefit of being busy with work and school is that you have no mulling minutes. Everything’s coagulated beneath the surface, cold and solid.But a congealed bloodclot at any stage is really only a blockage that prevents hemorrhaging. I don’t have time for a break of any kind: no heartbreak, especially. And I think this… Read More No time for a break
A briefly anonymous man was featured on the news up in San Francisco. He’d been found at 170 Pacific Avenue in San Francisco. 6’2″, 350+ lbs.An acquaintance on Facebook alerted me to the news clip, and when I saw the photo I was convinced my son had been found. https://abc7news.com/society/sf-hospital-needs-help-identifying-patient-in-its-care-/6171263/ I’ve blown this image up… Read More Not Jake.
In all the scenarios I’ve ever imagined, never once did I think of Stephen King’s dystopian vision as a possibility of what Jake could endure. At this point I skitter like a rock across a lake over thoughts of where Jake might be. It’s an unbearable lightness of being. I am unbearably light. I had… Read More A new wrinkle
I get to see my missing son when I sleep.He looked like Jake, but his voice was childish, like when he was 7 years old. I thought in the dream that it was because his circumstances had made him more childish–he spoke of what gas stations would let him pick off the ground, and of… Read More Days uncounted
In a month and a half it will be my birthday and the anniversary of Jake’s disappearance. Three years. 1,095 days. No sign of him, still. I often think about his last text to me, in which he said, Happy Birthday, Mom. I love you. The text is saved on a phone I don’t use… Read More 1,050 days missing
Part 1: October 21, 2018 I’m still not in. Not mentally. Not in my body. Not in my sanity. Rollercoaster is a cliche. “Being on a roller-coaster” doesn’t fit any experience like this because 1) you choose to get on roller-coasters, and 2) you can get off. I’m on fire and grey-cold. You know how your… Read More The October 2018 Files
I’m not here right now. I’m mentally out in the desert, trying to retrace the steps I imagine my son must have taken in the last months of his life. Weeks? I don’t know he’s dead yet, but signs are pointing to it. I don’t know what shoes he was wearing, I don’t know that… Read More The Land of Of Course
In the news today it was reported that a body was found near Glamis, or partial remains. Now I don’t remember and I don’t have the heart to go back and look it up because I rabbit-trailed over to the Missing Person’s site and found an unfortunately promising lead. This: https://www.namus.gov/UnidentifiedPersons/Case#/17369/details is what I found. If… Read More Unidentified Persons Case #17369
My hold on equanimity is precarious. I’m fixated on “Jake’s totally off the grid, if he’s alive and well.” The implication is that he probably is not alive. This supposition does not bring closure because there’s no body. When others suppose your son could be dead, it only just barely penetrates your awareness. You can think… Read More When your son might be dead