memoir, The Blog of Missing

When your son might be dead

My hold on equanimity is precarious. I’m fixated on “Jake’s totally off the grid, if he’s alive and well.” The implication is that he probably is not alive. This supposition does not bring closure because there’s no body. When others suppose your son could be dead, it only just barely penetrates your awareness. You can think… Read More When your son might be dead

memoir, Out of the Woods, The Blog of Missing

27 November 2017

I found my son’s suicide note yesterday. I have been sober 14 years and 2 days now. My brain automatically looks for patterns. Common denominators. My mother attempted suicide, too, and my ex ran several states to get away from me. His mental state has deteriorated, from what I’ve heard, and his family blames me… Read More 27 November 2017

memoir, The Blog of Missing

Brain real estate at a premium right now

I’m thinking out loud here. I waffle about posting about what I’m thinking and feeling about my son being missing. I am not adding any new information, and much of what I share is about what I deal with emotionally day by day. It’s repetitive. The grief never subsides, although my awareness of it ebbs… Read More Brain real estate at a premium right now

memoir, The Blog of Missing

The Blog of Missing: What love looks like

*Jake has not been found.  Thank you for checking. I’ve spent the morning looking at the NamUs Unidentified Persons System. Please understand. I don’t start my days with, “Gee, what can I do to skew my day?” I try to avoid thinking of these databases. But I got an email from the site informing me… Read More The Blog of Missing: What love looks like

memoir, The Blog of Missing

The Blog of Missing: 346 Days

As promised: (see full poem and original post under the link) Merrit Malloy, author of the poem, The People Who Cannot Say Goodbye, writes, “There are people who cannot say good-bye They are born this way/this is how they die They are the keepers of promises/what moves them does not wear out Their loyalty will… Read More The Blog of Missing: 346 Days