My hold on equanimity is precarious. I’m fixated on “Jake’s totally off the grid, if he’s alive and well.” The implication is that he probably is not alive. This supposition does not bring closure because there’s no body. When others suppose your son could be dead, it only just barely penetrates your awareness. You can think… Read More When your son might be dead
I haven’t written, but this ain’t me: By vice of hermitry, I rarely venture out of the house unless I absolutely must. I’ve become a hermit because of grief, and I’ve yet to ascertain whether this is to my detriment. Today I was reminded of the outside world and others who care about Jake, and… Read More 780 days
I have to get up early tomorrow and do range duty as Chief Range Safety Officer for a group of men visiting from out of town. I’ve been doing RSO duties for a long time now, and this is not a big deal. But I do not want to go. I would rather hole up… Read More How to deal
I have never been able to open up those Pillsbury roll cans. I have walked outside and gone to a neighbor’s house and asked someone to open the can out of my earshot and then bring it back to me on the porch. I cannot bear not knowing when the can will pop. (I quit… Read More Antici
I’m thinking out loud here. I waffle about posting about what I’m thinking and feeling about my son being missing. I am not adding any new information, and much of what I share is about what I deal with emotionally day by day. It’s repetitive. The grief never subsides, although my awareness of it ebbs… Read More Brain real estate at a premium right now
*Jake has not been found. Thank you for checking. I’ve spent the morning looking at the NamUs Unidentified Persons System. Please understand. I don’t start my days with, “Gee, what can I do to skew my day?” I try to avoid thinking of these databases. But I got an email from the site informing me… Read More The Blog of Missing: What love looks like
Natashia Deón is light. She has a tiny frame, but her laugh has serious heft. You feel it in your chest and want to laugh with her. She is aesthetically stunning; I could look at her face all day long and not get tired of it. But it is her soul that captivates and awes.… Read More Harbinger Bird
*Jake has not been found. Thank you for checking. From Notes from the Universe: “Raise your sights and broaden your steps. Because doing one without the other is the same as doing neither.” One time, I was advising a security guard student who had been shooting at 3-yard targets and his groups were sufficiently close that… Read More The Opposite of Down and the 5-Second-Rule
I’ve been thinking to myself, thinking that I’m not ready for real life to start up again. Apparently my lizard brain thinks that the last two weeks of December are not real life. Dunno what’s up with that. It’s not like I have this starry-eyed notion of Christmas; most times I don’t even like it.… Read More Even silence resonates.
It’s been, let’s see– May – 31 days June – 30 days July – 31 Aug – 31 Sept – 30 Oct – 31 Nov – 30 +7 =221 days. I do this mental count like it somehow gives me a handle on things. Counting. What is that, anyway? You count what counts? What? 221… Read More Two hundred twenty one days of lossfulness