memoir, The Blog of Missing

When your son might be dead

My hold on equanimity is precarious. I’m fixated on “Jake’s totally off the grid, if he’s alive and well.” The implication is that he probably is not alive. This supposition does not bring closure because there’s no body. When others suppose your son could be dead, it only just barely penetrates your awareness. You can think… Read More When your son might be dead

memoir, The Blog of Missing

Brain real estate at a premium right now

I’m thinking out loud here. I waffle about posting about what I’m thinking and feeling about my son being missing. I am not adding any new information, and much of what I share is about what I deal with emotionally day by day. It’s repetitive. The grief never subsides, although my awareness of it ebbs… Read More Brain real estate at a premium right now

memoir, The Blog of Missing

The Blog of Missing: What love looks like

*Jake has not been found.  Thank you for checking. I’ve spent the morning looking at the NamUs Unidentified Persons System. Please understand. I don’t start my days with, “Gee, what can I do to skew my day?” I try to avoid thinking of these databases. But I got an email from the site informing me… Read More The Blog of Missing: What love looks like

memoir, Writing

The Opposite of Down and the 5-Second-Rule

*Jake has not been found. Thank you for checking. From Notes from the Universe: “Raise your sights and broaden your steps. Because doing one without the other is the same as doing neither.” One time, I was advising a security guard student who had been shooting at 3-yard targets and his groups were sufficiently close that… Read More The Opposite of Down and the 5-Second-Rule

memoir, The Blog of Missing, Writing

Even silence resonates.

I’ve been thinking to myself, thinking that I’m not ready for real life to start up again. Apparently my lizard brain thinks that the last two weeks of December are not real life. Dunno what’s up with that. It’s not like I have this starry-eyed notion of Christmas; most times I don’t even like it.… Read More Even silence resonates.

memoir, Out of the Woods, The Blog of Missing, Writing

Two hundred twenty one days of lossfulness

It’s been, let’s see– May – 31 days June – 30 days July – 31 Aug – 31 Sept – 30 Oct – 31 Nov – 30 +7 =221 days. I do this mental count like it somehow gives me a handle on things. Counting. What is that, anyway? You count what counts? What? 221… Read More Two hundred twenty one days of lossfulness