Design by Techdesigns.co.uk.

Things security officers may think of asking, but shouldn’t:

 

Do you have any sandwiches in your pocket?
This can be construed as inflammatory and invasive, and it is baffling to the hearer.  It is easy to ask this question on your 13th hour on your feet, but you must refrain.

Are you carrying any weapons of mass destruction?
Again, this is a baffling question, and after many hours is tempting to ask as a shortcut. Refrain.
Weapons of mass destruction are much larger than the average pocket.  And mothers typically point to their children, and say, “Yeah, right there.”

Would you like to dump your $6 cup of joe in the trash right here or walk a mile back to your car to put it there?This is construed as an unfriendly, snotty question, and could result in you wearing said expensive joe, or at the very least, having a very unhappy person in your face.  With spittle.

Legitimate questions prompt interesting responses, as well:

Any knives, guns, or weapons of any sort on your person?
Various answers include:

  • “What kind of person do you think I am!?”
  • “Of course not! Look at me!”
  • “No!  I have children!”
  • “No! I’m a woman!”
  • “No! I’m a mom!”
  • “I left them at home today.”
  • “Yeah, I got your gun right here.”
  • “I got these guns–”  kisses each bicep and flexes.
  • “Dang, honey,–” to husband –“better hand over your grenade.”

 

Edited: March 14th, 2013

But Old Spice still reminds me of Daddy

 

Yeah, OS Guy is cute, but….

Maybe it’s just my generation.
Maybe all those born after the 80s don’t have any father-associations with Old Spice.

Actually, his appeal–for me–is how hilariously vain his character is. I don’t want my guy wearing Old Spice (Sorry, OS) and I don’t want him acting like OS Guy, but I’m hooked on the commercial.

 

Edited: January 26th, 2011

Kitty Cat Patty Cake

Came across this here: The Ancient Gaming Noob

Had to share it. Made me laugh till my sides ached.

 

Edited: December 4th, 2010

Family photographs. So precious.


I’m not sure what’s more…interesting:  the boy on the far right holding a purple purse, or the fake tips on Tito’s guns. Or his fake mustache.

Check out more pics here: http://awkwardfamilyphotos.com

Edited: January 23rd, 2010

Gibberish

this is utterly delightful (and long-winded LOL) and it reflects how I feel after a 10-day residency with my fellow-writers.
(although I do object to the title. Sheesh.)

Edited: June 14th, 2009

Offshore Milk

thanks to Nathan Bransford for this link.

Check out the price—then scroll down to the reviews section.  Hilarious.

Edited: May 22nd, 2009

the irritable yodel

Not yodeling, really, but funny nevertheless.

Edited: May 21st, 2009

regain your hymen–or, honey, get the alum!

the link works, but the image won't load. Sorry :(

The directions say to apply a few drops to the desired area 15 minutes prior to any activity for desired results and moisturization.

Yes, ladies, add these to your hoo-hoo before you do household chores so you don’t get that droopy feeling and find at the end of the day that, yes, the laundry’s done, but your vagina’s fallen out.

One customer wrote: “This made me so tight, but dry. Why would this be pleasurable for women? It was as painful as the first time. Don’t buy this.” RN – October 1, 2008

Side note:  if you go looking to re-instate your virginity, you should be prepared for some discomfort.
Should you discover that your vagina has indeed fallen out, guess what. You can send those vaginal muscles to the gym with its own set of weights.

hut-two-three-four!

hut-two-three-four!

And it comes with an instructional video!  I wonder if it gives step-by-step instructions.

Edited: May 21st, 2009

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