memoir, The Blog of Missing

The blog of missing: Day 20

It’s weird how some things stall you in your writing, and other things rip you wide open.

When my son disappeared 20 days ago, the first report I wrote for law enforcement was three pages long. It had bullet points for easy reading, but still. Three pages. But how can you know how to properly track someone if you don’t know the little things?

It took me several drafts to pare it down to the essentials so I could fit them onto a flyer with his picture.

Along with a physical description:
Missing. Gave all his things away. Call me.

I continue bleeding words onto a page of updates. I don’t know who gives a crap about what steps I’ve taken–I’m not really sure I myself care–but I’m compelled to keep track or I will feel like I’ve done nothing.
The words are a trickle on my Facebook page now, and now, well. Here I am. The list is maybe not so important.  But this has substance.

This, I think, is better than sending emails to the ether. Better than Facebook messages to my son that withhold that precious “seen” checkmark. Better than editing the updates page with TO DOs and DONEs.

At 1:06am today I woke with a snap, Jake’s slurred voice in my head saying, “Where are you?”
I got dressed and drove to the house where he was staying before he vanished. Convinced he had spoken to me in a dream, in a stupor, helpless.
Shined a light in the window.
Sniffed around the window and front door for a dead body odor.
I’m not crazy, but that’s crazy behavior. Who sniffs windows?
And why? Dead people don’t slur.

Reminder to Stacy: You have no control over things you can’t control.

In all the encounters I’ve had over the last 20 days, only two have been negative.
One man lectured me via text about children who don’t want to talk to their parents and how we need to accept that. I engaged at first, then realized I don’t care what he thinks he knows.

Another man messaged one of Jake’s friends on Facebook, saying that my son was found living in my basement.

Someone actually did that. Part of me accepts that this is just a dopey person who doesn’t realize how callous that was.
Maybe thinks he’s funny.
The other part…well.
Perhaps he will call me with his theory and we can talk.

It’s only been 20 days.
When does it become valid?
Why does it seem invalid?

I make it by grace.
That’s all.

 

Grace, by U2

Grace, she takes the blame
She covers the shame
Removes the stain
It could be her name

Grace, it’s the name for a girl
It’s also a thought that changed the world
And when she walks on the street
You can hear the strings
Grace finds goodness in everything

Grace, she’s got the walk
Not on a ramp or on chalk
She’s got the time to talk
She travels outside of karma
She travels outside of karma

When she goes to work
You can hear her strings
Grace finds beauty in everything

Grace, she carries a world on her hips
No champagne flute for her lips
No twirls or skips between her fingertips
She carries a pearl in perfect condition
What once was hurt
What once was friction
What left a mark
No longer stings
Because Grace makes beauty
Out of ugly things

Grace makes beauty out of ugly things

 

 

 

7 thoughts on “The blog of missing: Day 20

    1. Thank you.
      There’ll be something on the news soon. KECY? Whatever stations Telemundo is connected to. A reporter has been interviewing people for a piece she’s putting together.

      PS: My own comment was flagged as spam. lol

  1. Sniffing a window is something you can *do*. When I am awakened by my son’s voice and he’s not at my door, I need to make sure he’s in his bed, breathing and Ok. There is nothing right now that is irrational, because this is not a rational situation. I love you and keep praying.
    The updates let people know, as they think of things, if you’ve already tried it.

    1. Thank you. That reminds me of something Viktor Frankl wrote: “An abnormal reaction to an abnormal situation is normal behavior.”

  2. Stacy, Koz here. We are here to assist in locating Jacob for you. If you have any new additional information I sent you an email with my contact info in it. I have a group forming to do a ground search or willing to distribute flyers, so we’ll need to coordinate areas that have already been notified or contacted. I have an interactive map available if you’d like to send me your gmail address, I can add you into it, so we can keep track of our progress or other volunteers actions and areas, Thx Koz

    1. Thanks, Koz. I’ve responded to your email with info.
      I will send you my gmail address, too.
      Thank you so much.

    2. UPDATE: IMPERIAL CIRCLE K CASHIER ALMA TOLD ME A FEMALE CUSTOMER SAW JAKE’S PICTURE LAST WEDNESDAY OR THURSDAY AND SAID, “OH, I JUST SW THAT GUY THE OTHER DAY. HE ASKED TO USE MY PHONE.”
      STACY FOLLOWED UP THIS LEAD, AND
      1) WOMAN DID NOT ALLOW HIM TO USE THE PHONE (He could have been wanting to call home!)
      2) WE DON’T YET KNOW TIME FRAME OR EXACT DAY OR WHAT HE WAS WEARING.
      3) UNKNOWN WHERE WOMAN SAW JAKE. IT COULD HAVE BEEN ANYWHERE.

      I’m devastated that no one called the police when they made the connection. Don’t they have kids?

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