Today I heard from my P.I. friend that “Jake’s totally off the grid, if he’s alive and well. I remember that last year all of the P.I.s that helped us were shocked to see how nothing is current in any database, even the one a lot of us think is the best.” If he’s alive… Read More Day something
When I calculated the days for this year so far, I was surprised that it’s only been 148 days since May 1. Two years ago on this date, Jake had only been missing 148 days. That doesn’t seem very long. I don’t really live in days, anyway. If you calculate minutes, 148 days = 213,120… Read More 878 days missing
I am embarking on a trip in a few days that will lead me to connect with my past in good ways, and I am in full panic mode. I’m half convinced I’m going to die, the same way I used to feel in the past when I went over bridges. I read years ago… Read More Write Rite Right of Passage
I haven’t written, but this ain’t me: By vice of hermitry, I rarely venture out of the house unless I absolutely must. I’ve become a hermit because of grief, and I’ve yet to ascertain whether this is to my detriment. Today I was reminded of the outside world and others who care about Jake, and… Read More 780 days
I have to get up early tomorrow and do range duty as Chief Range Safety Officer for a group of men visiting from out of town. I’ve been doing RSO duties for a long time now, and this is not a big deal. But I do not want to go. I would rather hole up… Read More How to deal
Dread has a light touch. I’ve been told that Jake does not appear in databases after early 2016. He is smart enough to be off the grid on his own terms, and hope says yeah. But chances are growing that he isn’t living in the wilderness, isn’t bedraggled and scorned in some inner city grayness,… Read More The thing with feathers
I visited my son, Josh, in Las Vegas in early January, and I gave him Jake’s clothes. In the parking lot of StorageOne, we sorted through black trash bags filled with jeans, socks, t-shirts, boxers, boots, gloves, and Jake’s National Guard uniforms. We were there to pick up Josh’s bike to take it in for… Read More That old backpack
I have Jake’s dog tags now. I’d forgotten he has O- blood. When I read that on the tag, I thought, “I can give him blood if he needs it.” If I could find him. If he’s alive. If he is alive, he turned 29 last week. I put half of Jake’s belongings in storage… Read More Day 709
I have never been able to open up those Pillsbury roll cans. I have walked outside and gone to a neighbor’s house and asked someone to open the can out of my earshot and then bring it back to me on the porch. I cannot bear not knowing when the can will pop. (I quit… Read More Antici
I found my son’s suicide note yesterday. I have been sober 14 years and 2 days now. My brain automatically looks for patterns. Common denominators. My mother attempted suicide, too, and my ex ran several states to get away from me. His mental state has deteriorated, from what I’ve heard, and his family blames me… Read More 27 November 2017