Part 1: October 21, 2018 I’m still not in. Not mentally. Not in my body. Not in my sanity. Rollercoaster is a cliche. “Being on a roller-coaster” doesn’t fit any experience like this because 1) you choose to get on roller-coasters, and 2) you can get off. I’m on fire and grey-cold. You know how your… Read More The October 2018 Files
I’m not here right now. I’m mentally out in the desert, trying to retrace the steps I imagine my son must have taken in the last months of his life. Weeks? I don’t know he’s dead yet, but signs are pointing to it. I don’t know what shoes he was wearing, I don’t know that… Read More The Land of Of Course
In the news today it was reported that a body was found near Glamis, or partial remains. Now I don’t remember and I don’t have the heart to go back and look it up because I rabbit-trailed over to the Missing Person’s site and found an unfortunately promising lead. This: https://www.namus.gov/UnidentifiedPersons/Case#/17369/details is what I found. If… Read More Unidentified Persons Case #17369
My hold on equanimity is precarious. I’m fixated on “Jake’s totally off the grid, if he’s alive and well.” The implication is that he probably is not alive. This supposition does not bring closure because there’s no body. When others suppose your son could be dead, it only just barely penetrates your awareness. You can think… Read More When your son might be dead
Today I heard from my P.I. friend that “Jake’s totally off the grid, if he’s alive and well. I remember that last year all of the P.I.s that helped us were shocked to see how nothing is current in any database, even the one a lot of us think is the best.” If he’s alive… Read More Day something
When I calculated the days for this year so far, I was surprised that it’s only been 148 days since May 1. Two years ago on this date, Jake had only been missing 148 days. That doesn’t seem very long. I don’t really live in days, anyway. If you calculate minutes, 148 days = 213,120… Read More 878 days missing
I am embarking on a trip in a few days that will lead me to connect with my past in good ways, and I am in full panic mode. I’m half convinced I’m going to die, the same way I used to feel in the past when I went over bridges. I read years ago… Read More Write Rite Right of Passage
I haven’t written, but this ain’t me: By vice of hermitry, I rarely venture out of the house unless I absolutely must. I’ve become a hermit because of grief, and I’ve yet to ascertain whether this is to my detriment. Today I was reminded of the outside world and others who care about Jake, and… Read More 780 days
I have to get up early tomorrow and do range duty as Chief Range Safety Officer for a group of men visiting from out of town. I’ve been doing RSO duties for a long time now, and this is not a big deal. But I do not want to go. I would rather hole up… Read More How to deal
Dread has a light touch. I’ve been told that Jake does not appear in databases after early 2016. He is smart enough to be off the grid on his own terms, and hope says yeah. But chances are growing that he isn’t living in the wilderness, isn’t bedraggled and scorned in some inner city grayness,… Read More The thing with feathers