memoir, The Blog of Missing

Blog of Missing: Day 126

The last week has been particularly difficult. I’m thrilled and relieved to be back in school.  But…I have to drive past Denny’s every day that I teach. That Denny’s where I last saw my son months ago.

I had a delayed reaction to that on Monday. I got past the Denny’s without going into the abyss, but when I got to class, my brain short-circuited and I forgot my password to Blackboard.

I forgot my password.

inconceivable

I don’t think I’ve ever done that in the time I’ve been teaching.
My husband graciously rescued me, but I lost at least an hour of class time, and I never did recover my scattered brain cells.

On Tuesday, my reaction was in real time and I had to delay going on to campus till I could compose myself. My brain was stuck on him being somewhere out there, in the midwest, maybe, wandering around, not okay, but surviving somehow. Wandering. I’m stuck on the wandering.

Thursday was better, probably because I’d already been to Kiwanis and my brain was busy. (See? Busy-ness works.)

Today, on Postsecret.com, I saw this:

sunalsosets

My son kept giving things away, and he kept assuring me, you know, that he just didn’t need them. I asked many times. Begged him to go to behavioral health. Get help. Talk to someone. Anyone. He’d agree that he needed help, but was convinced he’d never find his way out.

I know his body hasn’t been found, but this fear is lodged deep inside me. It’s always there.

Staying busy helps me remember that there is more to life than this bright red scream in my head.
I have grading to do, books to give away, meetings to lead, walks to take, Pokemon to catch, kittens to cuddle, books to write.

miles to go

 

6 thoughts on “Blog of Missing: Day 126

  1. Just want to let you know that I’m thinking about & praying for Jake. I have a strong hope that he is making his way through the world, looking for his soul, his passion and his gifts.

    Love to you!

  2. Stacy,

    Any new info on Jake? Any particular thoughts on how to pray for you other than peace, wisdom, comfort, and support? How is your other son doing and how is he handling Jake’s absence? Praying for the day when you finally hear from him?.. Jeannie

    1. Thank you, Jeannie, for asking.
      I have not heard anything, and as far as I know, no one else has, either.

      I promise that when I hear anything–ANYthing–I will let people know on Facebook and I’ll write about it here.

      Please, pray what’s on your heart.

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