memoir, The Blog of Missing

The blog of missing: Day 23

Today’s a bit of ok. I’m gliding on the surface, not dwelling on what freaks me out. I’m dwelling instead on this:

 “Beneath the garments of the world is joy.
A miracle is a gift of light, not a gift of worldly goodies. It shines through the world I see. Each    new crack in the scenery tells me there is something else going on behind this play I think I’m in.”
–Hugh Prather, Spiritual Notes to Myself

Beneath the garments of the world. Huh.
I find that incredibly moving.

I was reading back over my journal from the past year, and this date last year I was grieving over the rift in Jake’s and my relationship. Here, incredibly, is what I wrote that holds true right this second, if I could just remember it:

Here is what I know:  
I am not in control here.
He’s God’s, not mine.
I can trust that whatever happens, I will be ok, and so will Jake.
I don’t know where the wind blows. I know tiny human things.

What finally gave me peace:  Matthew 9: 16-17.
Our old relationship could not work.  We must be transformed in God’s image.

Last year at a Mother’s Day banquet, a speaker said, “We mothers get in the way because we don’t let go.”

I’m sick with worry for legitimate reasons, yet I recognize he must find his own path without me.
I do not like this place I’m in, Sam I am.

Last year for Mother’s Day, Jake dropped off flowers when I wasn’t home. He told Tom, “Give these to your wife.”
I did laugh. I was delighted to be remembered. He came by! Scowling and sullen, but present, if only for a wee moment.

And when he apologized for the past two and a half years, he just kept bringing me flowers.  I’d already forgiven him.
Eventually he got it, I think. I don’t know.  I  hope so.

More than ever I understand that the past doesn’t matter. Only right now matters.  I am in the perfect place. I can’t be anywhere else. I ache with mother empties. I don’t know what’s wrong with my son. But.

Everything’s led here, and if I truly believe God has this, then all is well even in the tumult.

 

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