May Day

*Jake has not been found. Thank you for checking.

A year + 1 day since I last saw Jake. Today marks the last day he communicated with me via text. Happy birthday, mom. I love you. And then no more.

Yesterday was difficult because I kept running through that last hour I saw him, castigating myself for not being a better mother, more present, more alert, smarter. None of that does any good, but it was the day for it. I fought back by grading papers. Focus squeezes everything else out.

Today is going to be as pleasant as I can allow it to be. The path is ridiculous, the kind you look at from the base of the mountain and say, ‘oh, hell, no.’ But it’s a spring day, and flowers are everywhere, fierce from the winter rains. The air smells like cilantro, and hummingbirds have come to call. And I don’t have to climb the whole mountain today.

I will hear this week about whether the dental charts match.
I will start teaching a memoir class on Friday.
I will have finals, grade papers, go to meetings, visit with friends.

I love Jake, and miss him, and life doesn’t stop.
I love Jake and I love life.

I wish I knew whatever I need to know to breathe right. Is he safe? Is he alive? Is he hiking the Pacific Coast Trail? Is he holed up in a bus  in Alaska living off the land, happy, oblivious? Is he going to text me a happy birthday? Dreadful hope.

It’s a gruesome, ruesome day. But.

I love today anyway. Danville, VT road by the cemetery



Posted: May 1st, 2017 under memoir, The Blog of Missing.


Comment from Debbie Cranford
May 1, 2017 at 3:58 pm

Happy Birthday, Stacy! Lifting you up to the Lord for special blessings today. Love you!

Comment from Stacy
May 2, 2017 at 11:55 pm

Thank you! You always encourage me. I appreciate that so much.

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